


Broken Records

by ClamSquid, sledgewhammers (Legendary_Slime)



Category: PaRappa the Rapper, Um Jammer Lammy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Drama, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, Minor Swearing, Recovery, References to Depression, Romance, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, lammys parents are assholes, ma-san being ma-san, one use of the d slur, references to abusive/controlling parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26417974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClamSquid/pseuds/ClamSquid, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendary_Slime/pseuds/sledgewhammers
Summary: Katy wishes Lammy could put a bit more effort into herself. Things get complicated in their relationship.
Relationships: Katy Kat/Lammy (PaRappa the Rapper)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 28





	1. The First Chapter out of a Series of Various Other Chapters to Follow Suit

"3 p.m.  _ sharp _ !" Katy declares to her other band members. "I've been lookin' into hookin' up another gig for us, so we gotta keep our practice up!" Ma-san glances up from her novel, offering a thumbs-up as her response to Katy, with her typical face of neutrality alongside with it. The mouse buries her face back into her book, appearing both entranced yet bored by what the pages offer as she takes the last fry of Katy’s and promptly bites down on it.. 

"3 p.m.?" Lammy squeaks out. "I.. I can do that. W-works for me." The lamb then takes one last sip from her Chunky Burger Brand Milkshake (all rights reserved), stopping only when there’s barely a drop (or chunk, if you will) left in the cup. There was no food for Ma-san to “borrow” (steal) or Katy to “taste” (also steal) from Lammy, as she wasn’t feeling especially voracious during the high-class meeting taking place in the fast food restaurant.

"Great! It's settled then. See you both tomorrow!" Katy states before giving a wave goodbye and walking off, leaving the table as is, trays and all. Ma-san doesn't bother with the niceties and simply leaves with a quick “see ya” accompanying her. "Bye!" Lammy says to both as they each leave the joint. Lammy quickly cleans up after the girts, putting the trays away and everything before leaving as well. As she leaves the building Lammy catches sight of Katy down the street, sadly in the direction opposite to Lammy’s apartment. Though it's hard to make out in the distance, Lammy notices Katy’s gesture of blowing a kiss, helped in part by her naturally expressive and exaggerated manner. Lammy simply waves back shyly, not knowing what else to do. She clutches her fist tightly into her chest towards her destination home, with her mind filled with thoughts of ecstacy over her girlfriend.

The redhead mulls over to herself how much her partner means to her. Katy was her everything, more than Lammy could ever think to be. Lammy feels as though she’s won the lottery when Katy asked her out all that time ago. Katy’s fashion sense was impeccable, always choosing the best costumes for herself and everyone else in Milkcan. Lammy always feels the most stylish and comfortable wearing clothes that Katy herself handmade. Her dance moves have swept Lammy off her own feet numerous times before, both metaphorically and literally. Katy's confidence and bravado inspire Lammy every day to be at her best around her. If only Lammy could say what was on her mind as easily as Katy can. On top of all this, Lammy still finds herself swooning over her natural good looks. With how Katy treats her hair as well as her clothes, on top of her slender body, it’s easy to see how every now and again Lammy finds herself having to fan her own face with her hand while sporting a bright blush on her cheeks.

With all these thoughts circulating in her mind, Lammy always eventually comes to the thought of not deserving Katy. Usually she succeeds in quelching this thought and hiding it under more thoughts of her desire for Katy, and this time was no different as she continued to daydream about the love of her life, nearly walking into multiple other pedestrians along the way. Before she realizes it, she arrives home with her body on autopilot.

That was yesterday. 

Embedded in her mattress, encased in her sheets, Lammy struggles to gain composure of herself as she rises from her deep sleep. She lets out a cute, yet loud yawn before reaching to grab her phone. After searching for it in the mess that is her blanket sprawled out over the bed, Lammy takes a moment to realize after a multitude of futile attempts to turn it on that it is, indeed, dead. Charger cord in hand, Lammy slides it in the phone and after just a bit, it turns on only to fully wake her up with shock. 

It is now 5:07pm. There are 6 missed calls, all from Katy.

The guilt is quick to seep into Lammy’s being. She frees her hands by dropping the phone on her bed in order to cup her face with them. Distressed, she curls into herself, offering what little comfort she can. The anxiety washes through and settles deep into Lammy’s chest and burns away, as if a pool of lava has suddenly formed behind her ribcage. Her heart sinks like the Titanic deep into her gut. Her mind races with thoughts as she suddenly finds it hard to breathe. She’s really messed up now. Oh God did she mess up. She never learns; this wasn’t the first time this has happened. It won’t be the last either, for all she knows. She can’t even wake up properly for her girlfriend’s sake. This, to Lammy, is a new low. Lammy struggles to take any action whatsoever. She can’t bring herself to call back Katy, no, she refuses. No way is she going to put herself through that. She struggles enough talking on the phone as is, even with Katy herself on the other end. Lammy just wants to forget about this, and hope to whatever God is out there that Katy forgets about this too. 

Roughly 30 minutes have passed by now, and Lammy is still in bed like a child sent to her room early without eating dinner. Dinner is the last thing on Lammy’s mind right now though, even if she hasn’t eaten for almost a day at this point while confined in her apartment. The guilt still lingers and the lava still burns ever so hot inside her as she sinks lower and lower into the mattress, moving only to not give herself pins and needles in her limbs. Lammy looks over at her old alarm clock. Ever since the battery died those months ago, she’s never bothered to replenish them, instead simply relying on her phone. The once-useful glorified end table decoration stares back at Lammy. It’s motionless, with not a tick or tock to be heard. It both mesmerizes and mocks her. The lava lamp in her room offers poor distraction at this point from staring at it for so long already. The posters on the walls and even ceiling are negligible as their novelty died out ages ago. The silent lamb feels like sleeping without feeling sleepy, it’s one of the few possible distractions on her mind right now. She perks up however at the sound she was dreading to hear besides a familiar ringtone: a familiar knocking at her door.   
  


Lammy didn’t move for a while. The knocking became more like pounding, and Lammy wished she could just shrivel up right then and there, just to avoid Katy’s disapproval. She wasn’t even sure why she felt this way, beating herself up over her dumb mistakes to the point of being afraid of her own girlfriend. However, Katy was so important to her that any chance of upsetting her made Lammy feel immobilized, crushed by the guilt that would inevitably sweep over her.

She must have reached her front door while lost in thought, as if her body was a soulless robot. She cautiously opened the door, and was met with a worried look from Katy. Well, better to have her be worried than infuriated with Lammy. She didn’t say anything for a moment, waiting for Katy to speak first. What could she say for herself? She didn’t have any excuses.

“Where the hell were you?!” Katy blurted out, shattering the silence between the two.

“I…” Lammy pauses a beat before continuing “was at home. I’m.. ok, don’t worry about me...” 

“Don’t worry??? I’ve been worrying about you for the past few hours! Why didn’t you even bother calling back?” Katy asked incredulously.

“I was asleep, and the phone was dead. I.. I didn’t know!”

“Asleep?!” Katy shouted, startling the poor little lamb. “You were sleeping the whole time?! What’s wrong with you? I thought we went over your sleep schedule before, Lammy. You knew when the rehearsal would be. Me and Ma-san waited ages for you before cancelling. It’s YOUR part that needs the most work on anyways!” 

“I know… but.. I…” Lammy trails off into mumbling, even though she doesn’t know what she’s trying to say. She just wants this to be over with already. She doesn’t like it when Katy gets this way.

Katy takes a moment to look down to regain composure, after breathing in from her sigh, she lets out a groan over what she sees. “You don’t even have any pants on. Are you even trying anymore?” Lammy is quivering, the startled sheep has many thoughts racing through her mind. Half her mind is telling her to just close the door on Katy and never think about this again. Explaining herself feels worthless, she has no reasons for any of this. No excuses. Katy never understands what it’s like to be like this. She’s too good for any of this, too good for Lammy. Why does she even put up with her?

“Lammy.” Katy speaks up sternly. “Why are you even like this? I can tell you’re trying to think up another lame excuse right now. You  _ know _ how important this practice was supposed to be. I finally managed to land us another gig and it just seems like you don’t even care anymore!” 

“No! It’s just... that.. Uh...”

“Don’t even bother, Lammy.  _ Forget it _ . I’m done here.”

“What do you mean?? K-Katy?”

“You never give a damn about anyone except yourself. You keep doing all this stupid shit for yourself, you never even stop to think about how your actions affect others! You keep saying sorry but you never show it at all! I’m tired of trying to help you when you can’t even be bothered to help yourself.” Lammy’s eyes are struggling to even remain open at this point. Her throat aches from holding back as many tears as she can.

“Katy.. please stop.. It’s not true… I love you and..”

“Lammy, stop! I can’t love someone who’s such a selfish bitch all the time!”

Lammy doesn’t speak for a while. She stays motionless from Katy’s perspective. The lava churns and boils. Lammy doesn’t want to hear about this anymore. She already hates herself so much, and now the person she’s looked up all this time hates her as well. It’s not true though! Lammy isn’t selfish, she’d do anything for Katy. Why is she forgetting everything she’s done for her and focusing on this? It isn’t fair! Why is Katy acting like this? She knows nothing about what it’s like being someone like Lammy. This isn’t fair how she can say all of this without knowing a damn thing! 

Taken aback herself over what she said, Katy is shocked. It just... came out of nowhere. It felt so right at the time to say, but… now she regrets it completely. “Lammy?” she says to get her attention. It’s too late. Lammy is at an all time low, her own rage and sadness reaching its boiling point.

“SHUT UP! You don’t understand what it’s like to wake up every morning and hate yourself!” Lammy yells out louder than she’s ever yelled before. It tears and burns her throat, leaving her breathless. She lets out another breath before yelling  _ “I hate you!” _ at the top of her lungs. It bellows throughout the hallways of the apartment complex. With one swift motion she slams the door on Katy using both hands, nearly slamming it right in Katy’s face. Katy doesn’t know what to do for a moment. She tries opening the door to no avail. Lammy is huddled on the other side, sobbing. After some more knocking with no results, and even after yelling out “Lammy, please!” and “I’m sorry!” -- there’s no response except for the faint sounds of whimpering and sniffling on the other end. Katy clicks her tongue before eventually storming off, being disappointed not only in Lammy, but even herself too.

Lammy remained on the floor, sobbing. A small puddle of tears formed between her bent knees and she sniffled. She didn’t know what to do now. Feeling almost paralyzed, she stared at the puddle of tears on the cheap floor, thinking about Katy. Their relationship was most likely over at this point. Lammy knew that without her explicitly saying “I’m breaking up with you,” her harsh words were way worse. She wished she didn’t say something so… strong. Potent. Hateful. Lammy knew she didn’t hate Katy. Hell, Katy was her favorite person; the love of her life. Even, despite being unhealthy, Lammy’s idol. Why couldn’t she just be more like her girlfriend? Someone who was in control of their life and emotions, unlike Lammy, who instead had a temper tantrum. 

But Lammy had to remind herself that Katy wasn’t perfect either. She knew that. Someone who’s perfect wouldn’t call their girlfriend a bitch, right? Katy could be bossy and hotheaded at times, but she wasn’t ever like this, especially towards Lammy. Then again, Lammy thought, she most likely deserved it… After all, Katy was right. These upcoming band practices were important. It had been a few months since their last gig, and the girls also tossed around the idea of working on a new album. 

Lammy sighed and wiped her face. She grimaced at the snot she got on her hands and got up to wash them. What was she even doing with her life? And most importantly, why couldn’t she just  _ get it together? _

It was only around 8 p.m, but Lammy was exhausted in every sense possible. She went back to sleep, hoping that just maybe, whatever God was out there would let her not wake up the next day.


	2. Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lammy hibernates.

Five days have passed since Lammy’s last contact with anyone else. Her phone remains ignored completely as the occasional ding sounds off; the notification of an invite for communication falling upon deaf ears. At this point, it’s uncommon for Lammy to bother charging it at all, instead leaving it more like a dust collector than anything the majority of the time. Her guitar simply lays face down on the floor after it fell over from the impact of the door being slammed with all of Lammy’s might, luckily whilst in its protective hard-case. It remains untouched completely, with Lammy opting to sidestep around the obstruction during her occasional pacing around the cramped apartment.

Moving at all was hard. She just felt so immobilized, as if she was super-glued to her apartment, her bed. It was so easy to sink into the sheets and hide. Hide from her friends, hide from the situation, hide from Katy... Hide from everything. This led to the past week of Lammy’s life 

becoming the same self-destructive routine. Wake up past noon -- sometimes as late as 4 p.m. -- eat, and go back to sleep. Sometimes she’d cry in between any of those. She didn’t bother to clean, as tons of empty food containers, chip bags and cans littered the floor. Lammy ate more than what would be considered healthy, but besides sleeping, it was one of the few things that kept her mind off of Katy. That, and another bad habit she’d tap into more than what she used to.

When she isn’t sleeping or eating, Lammy drinks, as evidenced by the copious number of bottles scattered about around the couch and her bed. Hangovers haven’t bothered her much anyways ever since a few years ago, especially when she didn’t need to deal with anyone else for the day. Katy’s commented on this habit before. Sure, Katy’s quick to enjoy a drink herself, but she was quick to point out Lammy’s dependence on the poison. Lammy hasn’t drank anywhere close to this amount for a while. Katy would’ve killed her if she found her passed out, face staring mindlessly into the floor. She was neither here nor there, not anywhere to be seen except in Lammy’s sober mind. Sober her mind is, however, as she ran out of booze yesterday. And thus, Lammy’s consciousness has elected to have Katy remain in her brain, despite Lammy’s innerward objections.

The event that occurred almost a week prior is burned into her psyche. Play, pause, rewind in her mind, all the time. Lammy thinks how she herself should have acted to avoid this, all of this. Kinder? Cuter? More apologetic? Sternly? Even more guilty? Anything is better than what actually happened. Why does she have to live out the worst-case scenario? Now her girlfriend probably hates her as much as Lammy hates herself right now. It feels fitting, at least. Maybe she never deserved Katy after all. Life dangled one major reason to even try anymore right in front of Lammy’s face, and swiped it away before she even realized it. 

Nothing even feels right anymore. After deleting every song and album that even vaguely reminded her of Katy, the remaining music on her phone fails to enchant or even entertain in the slightest. Alcohol tastes nowhere near as good when you’re alone, either. Lammy was even hesitant to power on her game console half the time, as her fond memories playing with Katy flood back upon even seeing some of the covers of each game she owns. Of course, Katy was horrible at them, but that was never an issue. Lammy was just happy to share an interest with Katy, and Katy was happy to even be there for her.. Katy was always like that, always at her best. Katy was such a good girlfriend and partner for Lammy. Katy always knew just how to cheer up Lammy. Katy had the biggest smile and the most boisterous of laughs. Katy always wrote the best songs, and always did Katy sing the best. Katy was... perfect, and now, she’s gone. 

Having to think about Katy this much leaves Lammy’s face completely obscured by her hands as she bawls and sobs uncontrollably. The pain in her throat was too much to bear and she just needed to let it all out, there was no other way, no feasible distraction to prevent her from crying like this. There Lammy sat on the couch, just wishing she had some way to forget about all of this, preferably forever. The only noises aside from whimpering and sniffling being heard throughout the apartment was the faint ticking of a wall clock, the buzzing of a housefly and… knocking? 

Yes, knocking! Worst possible timing too. As if life didn’t kick Lammy in the shins hard enough already, now it sends Katy back to her at her lowest just so it gets even more mileage out of Lammy’s complete misery.

But, wait. This wasn’t Katy’s knocking. Lammy knows what Katy’s knock is! This knocking definitely has its own rhythm but is unfamiliar to Lammy. Maybe she should just ignore it anyways, who cares at this point? Just more bad news probably. Besides, she can’t answer the door like this! She hasn’t showered or groomed in days and she’s down to her underwear, but the knocking continues. It’s not pounding on the door, though it has its own force behind it, for sure. Wiping her eyes and face with her hands and throwing on her nearby pajamas laying conveniently on the floor near her, Lammy meanders over to the door. With one eye against the peephole, she can make out nothing except… orange? She assumes a deep breath. In through the nose, holding it in the lungs, then out through the mouth. Slowly swinging the door open, she peers from behind the door straight forward before having to turn her head down to see her new guest.

“P-Parappa?”

"Hey, Lammy! What happened to you? Your eyes are all red and watery-like!"

"Uh... I... allergies. I-it's just… allergies. Been rubbing my eyes a lot…" says Lammy while shoehorning in a fake, faint cackle at the end of her little white lie.

"I get those too sometimes. They're the worst!" Parappa exclaims, only marginally skeptical of Lammy's claims.

"Yeah…"

The silence between the two after Lammy's sub-par response is unbearable. What was he doing here anyways? Sure, Lammy does see him as an alright friend, but she mostly hung out with him because… Katy… was pals with the small scamper.

"S-so… Parappa? W-what are y-you doing here? Did you… need something? I'm uh… not in the mood for any… jam sessions or practicing. I-I'm really sorry…"

"Aw man, but that's ok! I came over to see what's up. Katy said you and her argued over something and that she didn't hear from you for a while. I thought something bad happened but it looks like you're safe at home!" 

"O-oh! Uh… thanks? That's… s-sweet of you. Y-yeah, I've just been at home this… whole time."

"No problem! But… Why stay inside for so long? It's been such a nice week! I've been hanging out with everyone every day! Me and Sunny are gonna check out the record shop later, wanna come with?"

Of course he had to somehow bring up the record shop. She knew which shop he was referring to as well, the very same record shop Lammy first met Katy.

"No! Parappa, please! I don't… want to go to the record store! I-I don't want to leave my house. I… just… want to stay in here…" she says while trailing off at the end, as if she only wanted herself to hear the last few parts of what she had to say.

The rambunctious dog has a look on his young face that Lammy can't quite place the meaning of. "Lammy, are you sure everything's ok? You really don't want to leave? You used to always go outside, especially with Katy. Did something happen to you?"

Clutching the door harder as a means of support, Lammy wants to deny it all to Parappa. Send him to the record store for all she cared. Who is he to walk up to her and say all of this? He's so happy it makes her upset. Here he is reminding Lammy of her worst fucking mistake and of the woman she once actually believed to be the one for her. Maybe she might as well slam the door again; maybe this time it won't completely fuck over her life again. 

"L-Lammy? What's wrong?"

It was only now Lammy noticed her own heavy breathing and menacing face staring directly into Parappa's eyes. At this moment she saw something she's never seen before. Parappa looked... scared.

What was she thinking? He's just trying to help. He went out of his way to check in on her despite the fact they're not even close friends, and this is what she decides to think about him? Why was she being so hostile towards him when he just is offering help and friendship? Lammy is confused by her own thoughts, her own actions. There's almost no rhyme or reason to doing this that she can think of. Maybe she’s just a terrible person. Besides, that has to be the reason she’s in this situation now, right? Lammy is cruel, bitter, lazy and selfish, and now she supposes she’s starting to treat everyone with malice. She’s surprised she has any friends, honestly. 

Does she deserve to feel angry and hostile after all of this though? Couldn't she just shut herself off from everyone else? But… maybe that's just the easy way. The easy way is always the worst way, like slamming the door. Perhaps it's time to actually do something about this, even if she didn’t really want to. It seemed hard. Scary. Different. It would be easier for her to just close the door and go back to bed. 

Parappa is still looking at her expectantly. Lammy sighed, as she opened the door a little wider for him to come in. She’d feel even worse than she already did if she ignored those puppy dog eyes.

"A lot, Parappa." she admits, while having no idea how long she was completely lost in thought for. "H-hey why don't you come in? I... need to talk about something with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thats chapter 2! sorry its a bit shorter but we have some good ideas for the next chapter, which should make up for it! stay tuned~


	3. Ebb and Flow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reflection of Lammy's emotions.

“H-huh?” Parappa stammered.

Lammy stepped aside as she held open the door a little further. “Can we just talk… for a bit please?”

Parappa wordlessly nodded, sensing the tense aura that was so thick he almost felt like he couldn't breathe in the sudden change of atmosphere. He walked past Lammy, trying not to grimace when he saw the state of her apartment as he stepped around multiple empty soda cans and plastic tupperware. His room could get messy, but this was a whole new level for him! Even PJ wasn’t this bad!

Lammy shut the door and moved to sit on the sofa, motioning for Parappa to come over. He sat next to her, casually brushing aside crumbs as both didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, Lammy spoke first, “Um, s-sorry about the mess…”

Parappa tried to be polite, but really this was a disaster! It looked as if a tornado hit Lammy’s room. “It’s fine, my room gets messy too sometimes!” He cleared his throat, “So, what didja wanna talk about?”   
  
Lammy sighed, not meeting his gaze. “It’s about Katy…” she swallowed, “We got into a huge argument.”

Parappa looked at her. The shy lamb gazed into her hands, balled into fists. Her hair was a mess, and it looked like she had mascara streaks from almost a week ago still on her face. Her clothes were wrinkled and looked like they had a few small stains on them. He assumed that Lammy hadn’t done much chores lately. His train of thought was cut short as she continued to speak. 

“We… I… I said some really mean things to her. Things just got so heated and stressful, I just… I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t want to talk to me ever again. I mean… the stuff she told me… It wasn’t wrong. I’m a screw up, in every way possible. I wouldn’t be surprised if you guys didn’t wanna talk to me either.” Her voice cracked towards the end.

Parappa looked down at the floor, a small bug crawling past his feet. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Lammy talk this much of her own violation. “You.. you can’t let that get you down. I mean. don't know what you told Katy specifically, but… Sunny and I get into disagreements all the time!! You gotta remember that sometimes we say stuff we don’t mean when we’re angry…”

Lammy wiped her eyes as they began to water. “I told her that I hated her…”

“But--”

  
“She called me a ‘selfish bitch,’ Parappa.”   
  


Parappa didn’t expect to hear that. He never heard Katy or Lammy say stuff like that!! But, he knows deep in his heart that both of his friends are good people, even if they do mean things, he would never hold it against them! 

“Do you resent her for that?” he asked.

Lammy paused, surprised at the question. She finally looked down at Parappa’s youthful gaze, eyes full of pure innocence and hope. He couldn’t harm or hate a fly, she mused. She wished she could be like that. She wished she could be literally anything but herself. 

“...No. Not at all. I-I mean, I was upset at the time, cause K-Katy never said anything like that to me before. But… I guess part of me thinks she was right to call me that. She’s never wrong.” 

Parappa tilted his head. “Ehh, but you know Katy isn’t perfect, right?”

Lammy swallowed thickly. Katy, not perfect? But Katy was her everything; Katy was the literal embodiment of what it meant to be a role model, a perfect being. Lammy felt so blessed whenever she was around Katy. Katy never did anything wrong, even her mistakes weren’t truly seen as that in Lammy’s eyes. So, what was Parappa talking about? Katy was perfect.

“Nobody’s perfect, yanno,” Parappa continued on after Lammy didn’t say anything for a while. “And I’m sure Katy misses you… She’s been worried a lot. We all have been.”

“S-she’s worried?” Lammy speaks up, before sinking her head further into the hand supporting its weight. “That’s nothing new. I would always make her worried over… stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” Parappa asks. He looks into Lammy’s eyes, which in turn look straight ahead away from his own.

“It’s… Just… Well… Parappa, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. All of this. The hiding, the shame… whenever I’m alone I don’t have to make anyone upset. No one’s here to yell at me. I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone. I don’t have to deal with any of my problems, even if… it’s hard to forget about them.”

Parappa looked upon Lammy with his eyes just below the orange toque. He chooses to let her speak, not wanting to cut her off. It isn’t as if he would know what to say to all of this anyways. He never knew Lammy could have a thought process just like this. He just figured she was just shy. Do people usually think like this when they’re shy? Or is Lammy just… special? She’s the only one Parappa knows to be like this, after all.

Lammy continues, sniffling all the while. “I… have a l-lot of problems. I’m just… r-really a messed up person. I was halfway to slamming the door right in your face when you… just…” Her speaking breaks up as the tears welling in her eyes start to overwhelm her. “W-wanted to… to.. h-help….” 

Parappa sits there for a bit, not knowing what to say. He’s glad she didn't slam the door at least. That would’ve hurt! He looks around the room, taking note of the glass bottles around where Lammy is sitting. It must be her favourite spot on the couch. Is this what it’s like having your own place to live in? No wonder his dad always tells him to clean his room. Did Lammy’s parents tell her to do the same growing up? 

Lammy is reduced to crying yet again. It’s become a familiar feeling by this point. If she didn’t remember to drink water again recently, dehydration would’ve been more of a grave concern than it is already. She’s able to fight through the tears to talk at the very least. “P-Parappa… I-I can’t even wake up proper for her. If I just… went to that STUPID PRACTICE I-”

Lammy is quick to take note of her sudden aggression, along with Parappa. She takes just a moment to regain whatever ounce of composure she has left before promptly apologizing meekly. “I-I’m sorry… d-did I scare you?”   
  
“A… A little.” Parappa states softly. 

“I f-fucked up again.” Lammy pips up. The well is seemingly dry as her tears fail to leave the corners of her eyes by this point. “I-I’m a failure, Parappa. I… I don’t l-like myself. I don’t l-like that I do the things that I do, b-but I can't even help myself at this point.” She pauses for a beat, swallowing the saliva accumulated in her mouth. “ And.... look what it got me. I don’t deserve someone as great as Katy, or anyone for that matter. Maybe my parents were right after all.”

Parappa takes a moment to himself before responding. “Your parents?”   
  
No. Anything but them. Lammy isn’t going to go there. She already regrets blurting them out like that, but it came out almost… naturally. No one knows about them. Even Katy wasn’t told much.

“I need help, Parappa.” Lammy bluntly states. “I… I’m tired of being like this. I want to get better. It’s the only way I’ll get Katy back and be happy.”

“Then I’m here for ya.” Parappa says not skipping even a heartbeat.

“R-really? Even after all I put you through?”

“The person you put through most is yourself. C’mon Lammy, don’t beat yourself up!”

He was right. Once she thinks about it, Lammy is her own worst enemy. How does one fight against oneself though? But, wait… hasn’t she been doing that all this time? All of her life, even? Constantly pointing out her own flaws, beating herself up over her mistakes, and not letting herself get the help she needs. It’s time for a different approach. Maybe… along with getting help from others, she can help herself as well. Yeah, somehow, that feels… right.

She lets out a little snort at Parappa’s advice. It's the first time she’s laughed in what feels like ages, even if it was short and barely audible. “You’re right, Parappa. Maybe I am… too harsh on myself.”

“Hate to say it Lam, but it’s true. Why do you say all these… mean things about yourself?”

Lammy was quick to respond before immediately cutting herself off, disgruntled by the realization of what the question truly entailed. “I… don’t know, Parappa. I’ve… j-just always kinda did so throughout my life. I never gave it much thought. I’ve had people in my life who always said these things about me. I… took it as fact, I guess.”

“These people sound lame! Why are you listening to what they have to say about you? I bet they know nothing about how you’re truly like.”

“They are… lame.” Lammy said abruptly. “I don’t like them, at all. But what they said still sticks with me.”

Parappa never before really thought how bad some people can get it. Lammy has sure been through a lot. Sure, Parappa has had to deal with a few jerks but Lammy seemed to deal with a bunch of them growing up. Why did she let them say all these things about her? It’s probably not best to ask something like that, he thought. Maybe she felt like she couldn’t, or shouldn’t. If only she had a friend to help her back then, maybe she wouldn’t feel this way now?

“Do you believe all these things you say about yourself?”

“Yeah… For… for the most part.” Lammy said, with a sigh preceding.

“Well, uh, maybe these things aren’t right about yourself! Besides, you’ve got a lot going for you!”

She turns her head to the side, with a sheepish expression on the lamb’s face. Shy, mixed with sorrow. “Doubt it” slips past her lips. “I have a lot of… problems, Parappa.”

“But doesn’t everyone have issues? PJ is the laziest guy I know and... I’m not the most mature person around. I love Sunny with all my heart but… she sure can have her head up in the clouds! Katy isn’t perfect either, and neither is my dad, Matt, Paula, Ma-san…” Parappa lists along with the help of tapping each of his fingers corresponding to each person “...the mailman....”

“Parappa, I know everyone isn’t perfect. Even…” she pauses for a beat before continuing “Katy isn’t perfect, isn’t she?”

Parappa scratches the back of his neck, even if it isn’t itching at the moment. Part of him thinks he’s doing it to sell some sort of act, even if it came to him naturally. “Well… no, she isn’t. She can be really... rude at times even if it’s for the best.” Parappa lowers his voice a bit, as if anyone else can even hear their conversation. Though judging by the apartment’s architectural prowess, that may very well be true. “Between you and me, she’s also a bit… full of herself isn’t she?”

Lammy’s eyes widen at Parappa’s disclosure. “I… guess that’s true. But she’s also really confident because of that! I just can’t get enough of her bravado, her confidence… I can’t get enough of her!”

“Exactly! Don’t you think she feels the same way back? Deep down, I think Katy wants to learn to be more sensitive. It’s… something she’s always struggled with, Lammy. She was worse with it before she knew you. You’re the most sensi- er, uh, empathetic person we know!”

“R-really?” Lammy says. Katy… saw something in Lammy that she wanted herself? She wanted what Lammy had, even if she hated that part about herself? Maybe Katy wasn’t perfect. Maybe she even has serious struggles herself.... did Lammy neglect all that about her girlfriend? She guesses so. She only focused on her good aspects. She admired her in every way, completely overlooking her faults. Lammy can’t help Katy with her flaws if… she ignores them. 

…

Almost like how Lammy ignores her own good aspects and only focuses on the negative. How can she help herself like this as well? It’s time for yet another different approach. With that, she stands herself up from her slouch.

“Huh, where are you going, Lam?”

She walks over to her guitar case, still face down. She sits it back up and undos the latches holding the lid on. The instrument is still in great condition too, if a little worn and grimy in places. She sits back down on the armrest of her couch, knocking a bottle or two away by accident on the floor with her feet. “Let’s jam,” she says while twiddling her strings and gently tuning her axe.

“A-are you sure? But you didn’t say you were in the mood for jamming out!”

“I wasn’t before.” Lammy says boisterously. “But you really cheered me up, pal. Thanks a whole bunch for listening to me.”

“You’re welcome, Lam! Where did all this confidence come from, though?? Why play the guitar now?”

“Because I’m damn good at guitar. C’mon, join in!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aha! the awaited chapter 3!!! Sledge here, sorry it took a bit longer, had some work and school taking up my life, as well as 3 hurricanes in a row lol. im really proud of this one, and i actually wrote a bit more in this chapter than the previous ones. im also cooking up another fic idea that the two of us may work on once this fic is finished. it will be angsty just like this one.  
> not much else to say here! thanks for reading as always.


	4. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katy talks with Ma-San.

"Good, you're finally here," Ma-san said as she opened her front door, inviting her guest in without as much as a welcome.

"Hey, Ma-san" said her guest as she walked in through the sliding door.

"Let's go to my room" said the rodent, not bothering to face her company as she spoke. Her friend didn't mind. She was used to Ma-san being Ma-san by this point.

Once they arrived, Ma-san's guest was treated with the sight of a smorgasbord of snacks, all laid out on a table. All of her favourite drinks, chips, and even a large bowl of buttery popcorn await her. "Wow… you really went all out, didn't you?" said Katy.

"Yeah, I did. Least I can do for you since you've been through a lot lately."

"Yeah… thanks."

"Don't mention it." 

"You wanna talk about… her, don't you?"

"Yeah, reason why I invited you here. Wanted you to relax first, though. You look tense as hell, Katy."

It didn't take long to feel like a true slumber party. Katy at moments felt flashbacks to her high school years. Ma-san picked out a personal favourite from her own taste of movies to throw on in the background of their conversation. It was Katy's favourite slasher flick too. The popcorn was popped to near perfection and the soda came and went quickly. 

"I love this part!" Katy exclaims over the sounds of blood-curdling screams from the older model television.

"Same." 

The movie eventually came to its conclusion. Both girls were on the edge of the bed, which was a considerably large bed for Ma-san. The only size of beds that fit her physique are cribs. Those sort of cramp her style a bit.

"God, that ending gets me everytime" stated Katy, frazzled by the chills.

"Wimp," said Ma-san, who was trying to hide her own fear.

"Whatever," Katy says, drawing the last bit of popcorn into her hands as she gulped it all down.

"Nails," Ma-san says, holding polish in her hand. She must've prepared it while Katy wasn't paying attention. Ma-san works quickly and quietly when she needs to, and especially when she doesn't even need to. She had a bit of an enigma to her.

"Hm? Oh, ok!" Katy says, bringing out her hand. Ma-san was adept at this sort of stuff, though she wouldn't admit it. Instead, she’d rather brag about it. Katy handles the costumes for the band, but the gang rely on Ma-san's nimble hands to do the best work on their nails. 

"Alright, enough fucking around. We need to talk about Lammy" she says as she begins her usual work. 

Katy lets loose a groan over hearing her name mentioned, doubly so since she knows Ma-san picked this moment so she wouldn't bail partly through her nails being done. "Look, I just want to relax. I've thought enough of her already the past week or so!"

"Have you now?" she replies. A quick blow of air escapes her mouth onto Katy's finger before she continues. "What about her have you been thinking of?"

"That she's a pain in the ass sometimes." Katy ushered out hollowly. 

"So am I, but here you are talking to me."

"It's different! With Lammy, I don't know why she does what she does. She barely even takes care of herself and I'm tired of it."

"Almost as if sometimes people are different than you are, you moron." Ma-san hides her smirk from Katy. She isn't successful at it, however.

"God, why did I even agree to coming here? I knew you'd act this way."

"Cause you need help, and you know it. You also know I'm one of the few that can help. Not like you've been holding back on the details from me either."

A sigh slips past Katy's lips before she speaks up again. "Yeah, I guess. I don't know how to deal with Lammy sometimes. She can be just so… difficult."

"Same with you."

A scowl is quick to form on Katy's face. "Really now?" she asks with a familiar incredulous tone.

"Yeah."

The scowl fades out into a look of indignity on the cat's face. It takes her a moment or two to speak up again. "Am I… really that difficult to deal with?"

"You called your girlfriend who was on the verge of tears a 'selfish bitch.'"

"Yeah, well…" Katy trails off. Her big mouth fails to spout out any words for once. 

"For someone so self-centered, you really aren't all that self-aware of yourself or others, are you?"

"God… look ok, I fucked up. I admit it. I lost my temper and it… blurted out of me. I felt bad as soon as I said it. I couldn't salvage a mistake that bad before shit got to its lowest point. I've… never seen Lammy act that way before. All that raw hatred and anger from her. It -- It really got to me."

"I'd say your words also got to her deeply too. It wasn't right of Lammy to do that, but you're also to blame here, idiot. Don't put this all on her."

"Yeah, I'm an idiot. Whatever." Katy says as she falls backwards on the bed, sighing. Her hands on her gut as she lays face up, staring at the ceiling. "I just want her back."

Ma-san remains quiet.

"She's… the nicest girl I've met, and… well her guitar skills are amazing too! I love seeing her smile and she has the cutest giggle. I would do anything to hear another bleat from her. She only does them when she's super excited or happy…"

"I like her a lot too. Even if she is a bit of a pussy."

"She is shy, isn't she?"

"Shy's putting it lightly. Katy, do you even know how bad it can get for her?"

"Yeah, she gets really down sometimes, I know. Sometimes she even doesn't want to go outside from her dingy apartment." 

"Wow. You really don't get it, do you?"

"What do you mean?" Katy says as she shoots upright to a sitting position. "I know Lammy super well. Don't tell me otherwise." Katy never really thought much on the subject before, about why Lammy can be “weird” sometimes. She just assumed that was part of her personality, not that something was  _ wrong  _ with her. It seemed like even Ma-san knew more about her than Katy did. And the two of them weren’t nearly as close as her and Lammy. At least, that’s what she initially thought. Maybe she didn’t know as much as she thought she did, and maybe she wasn’t the perfect leader she always strived to be for her friends.

"Katy."

"What is it?" she says impatiently.

"She's got problems. Lots of problems that you aren't helping with because of your problems."

“I know she has problems! That’s why I have to sit here and talk to you about our relationship like this.”

"But do you know what her problems are exactly? Haven't you ever wondered…  _ w _ hy is Lammy like this exactly?"

Katy is silent for a moment. Ma-san was right, Katy hadn't thought much of her girlfriend like this before. Lammy never was much open about herself, and Katy never dared to probe deeper into Lammy's background and stories. "No… I never asked. Do you know the reasons why she's… weird sometimes?"

"No. Tried asking but she always changed the subject. Must be really personal to her."

"I… don't know her at all, do I?" Katy asked softly. Her head is tilted downwards facing the blanket, eyeing the pattern laid out in front of her face.

"Don't kid yourself. You know her better than I do. You need to just learn how to be open with her better. Be more like her, she's the most sensitive person I know."

"I always liked that about her. She's… such a softie about a lot of things." Katy inches closer to the edge of the bed, legs spread apart with her feet touching the floor. Elbows on knees supporting her upper body. "It's cute." She utters out.

"Yeah. Sure she'd understand if you told her about anything. Can you do the same back?"

"Of course I can! She's my girlfriend."

"You better. Otherwise it's over for you both."

"Don't say that! I don't want to think about losing her…"

"Needs to be said. Katy, you have to understand and hear her out. She isn't 'weird,' she's probably mentally disturbed for all we know. Gotta be a reason why she doesn't take good care of herself."

Katy lets it all soak in her mind. She never thought there was a lot more to Lammy than she realized. Was her mind just clouded by her cuteness? Could be, and yet… no. Don't think like that. It's not to do with Lammy, it's to do with Katy. Katy saw Lammy as cute with a few drawbacks. She saw her as an amazing guitarist with some setbacks. She never stopped to think about her as a whole person with all her traits and flaws intact into one package. She took her for granted.

"Ma-san, she… told me she hated herself every morning. Every morning. How could someone so sweet do such a thing to herself? I don't know why she does it… or… if she has much choice in the matter…"

Silence grows between the two. Building up to an intense and awkward atmosphere. The air gets thick until Katy steps in yet again to fill the void.

"Am I a bad girlfriend to her?"

"No." Ma-san replies swiftly, and without much thought. The rodent walks over to the blue feline to place her hand on her back. "You really aren't. If you learned nothing this whole time, then I'd say you were terrible. No doubt."

"Thanks…" Katy whimpers out. It's hard to spot, but Ma-san notices a glimmer in the corner of Katy's eye when she turns around. "Talking is… the only way to fix this, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"I'll head out to her place tomorrow, then."

"Good luck, ‘cause if she sees it's you she might not answer."

“Gee, thanks for the encouragement,” Katy sarcastically commented.

“I’m only joking. She probably misses you, and is blaming herself for everything anyways.”

Katy remained silent.

“I know you’ll be fine, otherwise I would have already told you otherwise,” Ma-san gave one of her rare smiles. Katy softly smiled back and thought to herself, maybe, just maybe everything will turn out okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give credit to clam as they wrote the majorty of this chapter while my pc was having issues, which thankfully i was able to fix last night.  
> im also posting this as clam is asleep hehehe.  
> we're reaching the climax in this story! so there will be only a few chapters left. hope to see everyone with us until the very end!


	5. Clash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

Katy stood in front of the cheap mahogany colored door for what felt like hours, when in reality it had only been a few minutes. She found it hard to knock on the familiar door, and swallowed thickly. What if no one answered? Or what if as soon as Lammy saw her, she closed the door right in her face? Katy didn’t want to imagine either scenario. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, and finally knocked on the door in her usual rhythmic way.

It took a moment for the door to open, and Katy thought she heard a swear, but chose to ignore it. She found herself looking at her shoes, at the floor, anywhere but where Lammy would appear. Ironic, how she suddenly seemed to become like the person she wanted to talk to most. Her shoe-bound gaze wouldn’t last much longer though, as she found herself immediately perking up as she heard the door slowly open, Lammy peeking through the crack.

Both stayed silent for a moment, before Katy was the first to speak up. “Hey… ah, I wanted to talk to you…” 

Lammy felt her entire body sink upon seeing Katy. Her face felt flushed as her knees were on the verge of giving out. The door was Lammy’s shield, hiding her body from Katy’s gaze and something she can support herself with. Her body being awkwardly positioned so that only her head peaked out from behind the door didn’t help her balance either. She clutched hard on the door, knowing all too well that if she shuts this now, her relationship with Katy will be over.

“H-.. Hey, K-Katy…”

Katy felt strange looking at Lammy like this. Seeing her own girlfriend seemingly afraid of her presence worried Katy immensely. She takes a quick peek past Lammy through the ajar door, seeing the mess she’s made of the place. What was she doing all this time they were separate? Was she… hiding from Katy? No, it runs deeper than that, Katy figures. It’s time to take a different approach with her.

“Hey… Lammy, it’s ok. I want to talk to you about… us. About what happened.” Katy says in a soft tone. 

Lammy peaks out a tad more from behind the door. Her dulcet voice and demeanor entranced Lammy. Gentle, for a cat who’s wearing a leather jacket with a hairstyle like hers. The shy girl felt a rush hearing Katy like this. Lammy feels ever more safe in her presence, but restrains herself still. Who knows where this conversation will go? Her response is delayed by a smidgen.

“O-ok… W-what about... us?”

“I want to… apologize for stuff I’ve said. I shouldn’t have called you… a…” Katy says as she trails off aimlessly, turning her head to the side. A sigh escapes her as she eyes down the hall in the complex. “Look, I fucked up, Lammy. I never even realized you must’ve been going through so much. I was… frustrated when I shouldn’t have been and didn’t even know any better what to do. I went about my feelings wrong and let them take control.” A brief pause takes over Katy before she continues. “I’m sorry,” she says with a sorrowful huff behind it.

Lammy feels elation. Her heartbeat lowers and her shaking slows as she processes Katy’s apology. Was Katy in the wrong, too? Lammy had an inkling about that, but it never cemented as fact until just now. It was… wrong for Katy to say that. It’s a wrong statement. Lammy now thinks she herself deserved better, and here is Katy only further proving that.

“It’s... ok,” Lammy says. She’s now standing properly by the door, only hidden somewhat by it now, but still leaning on it for support. “I’m… sorry too. I shouldn’t have missed practice. I just…” her eyes dart to the floor besides her, taking note of a roach. A common sight in this building. Lammy remains silent, cutting herself off abruptly.

“Is something wrong?” Katy asks, before realizing she’s coming on too strong. With Lammy, she’s still not sure yet. Better to take caution, don’t wanna mess this up. With a more hushed tone she asks, “May I come in?”

Lammy looks off behind her, glaring at the results of her state of living for the past week or so. Initial thoughts tell her to refuse Katy’s entrance. Second thoughts tell her that Katy’s seen the worst of her anyways. She’s acting, no, being gentle here. She’ll understand. Lammy steps out of the way and holds the door open in response. To even just have Katy back in her apartment leaves her emotionally roused. “E-excuse me. B-bathroom... I’ll be q-quick,” the lamb states.

Katy looks around as Lammy heads to the washroom. Bottles everywhere. A few pizza boxes are scattered around the floor. The garbage is overflowing too. Grabbing water proved to be a challenge as no clean glasses were available to her either. How could anyone live like this? Katy’s seen how messy Lammy can be in the past, but it’s never been this horrible! Maybe, like Ma-san said, she  _ is _ disturbed? Katy wonders how she can help Lammy out of this.

Lammy leaves the restroom without as much as a flush, but Katy made note of hearing water from the sink running. Her face looks damp, with most of the mascara streaks wiped clean off. Lammy needed the space. She used the coldest water she could to wake herself too. It was only midday but she was feeling tired regardless from her disaster of a sleep schedule. It also helped to sneak in those deep breaths too, masked by the noise of the water gushing out the faucet.

Katy makes her way over to the couch. After maneuvering past the trash and bottles littering the floor, she sits down, opposite to where she believed Lammy’s favourite spot to be is, evidenced by the mass of bottles in that location. She gently pats Lammy’s seat, and gives a quick gesture to her head, herding the lamb onto the couch with her. The two remain on opposite ends, separated by an empty cushion between them. It takes a while before Katy says anything. She takes it upon herself to break the ice, but gives a lot more behind what she says next beforehand.

“Lammy, were you going to say something? I think you were cut off.”

“Oh! R-right. Just… saying I was sorry too. I… shouldn’t have m-missed practice like that. And not have… neglected to call or anything. It wasn’t cool for me to do that. Sorry...” 

“It’s ok, Lammy. I forgive you.” 

That’s settled, isn’t it? They both forgive each other and can move on, right? That’s what Katy thinks, that’s also what Lammy thinks too, or rather, what Lammy is hoping for. Katy doesn’t want to push any further than necessary. And yet, she wonders. Why did Lammy… do this? It makes no sense to her. Does she dare ask about that? 

It’s for the best. Doesn’t feel right if she doesn’t do it. Katy needs to learn more about her lover. She looks up a lot to Lammy a lot, after all. Katy rarely gets to say that about anyone.. 

“Hey, Lammy. Can I ask, uh, why didn’t you call?”

Lammy sinks into the couch. “Well… Katy I…” she starts. What to even say? Would she even understand? Katy’s never struggled with any of these things. There’s no other good option then to just say it, Lammy figures. Taking a deep breath, she manages to tame her nerves, even if it is only by a margin. “I was… scared… of you. Er, no, I-I mean how you’d react! I hate… talking on the ph-phone too and I just… didn’t go through with it. I’m such a pussy,” she admits, capping off with a sigh.

Scared? Is Katy scary? No, but… maybe how she reacts sometimes can be to someone like her? Talking on the phone is second nature to Katy, how can anyone struggle with something like that? Especially to your own girlfriend? Katy is left confused more than anything, but she reminds herself how… different Lammy can be. She struggles talking in general, and Katy has noticed she always texts her, instead of opting to call. 

“I didn’t... know it was that bad for you, Lammy. Am I really that scary sometimes?”

Lammy gives a slow, subtle nod in return. Her hands rest on her lap and she appears visibly shaken.

“I see…”

Another pause between the two occurs. This one feels much worse than the last.

“Do you know… er, why are you... no, has it ever… oh, whatever. Lammy, I hate to be blunt, but I just have to be. Just why are you like this, exactly? I never really met anyone like you before, especially in this town.”

It takes a moment for Lammy to think of anything to say. Katy… isn’t mad, she has to remind herself. It’s just hard for her to handle stuff like this. Lammy understands she can be a hassle. She feels like she has been to a lot of people. “I’ve… always kinda been this way, I guess. Ever since I was a kid.”

“Oh… even being this messy? It’s never gotten this bad before.”

“No, that’s… only when I’m… really not feeling good. At all.”

“This whole thing really hit you hard, didn’t it?”

She nods.

“Poor thing…” Katy says softly. Almost inaudibly. She inches ever closer to her girlfriend and grabs hold of her hand, grasping it gently.

Lammy is still for a moment, taken aback by the gesture. Holding her soft, furry hand like this again brings back a tidal wave of memories of the two. Looking into Katy’s face of worry alongside this whirlwind of nostalgia only compounds it further. “Thank you…” is all she manages to let out, along with a sniffle.

“It’s nice to be able to hold your hand again, hun.”

Lammy smiles bright. A blush forms on her cheeks as she holds back from bawling. Katy can’t help but think how well her blush compliments her hair. She’d love to see her out in the cold again.

“Y-yeah…”

Katy scoots closer to Lammy. She breaks focus on Lammy to survey her apartment. Katy can only imagine that a tornado had to run through here to cause this much chaos in a week. Cupboards are left wide open, the counters are full, the sink is piled up with dishes, rubbish is all over the floors, and clothes are wherever they want to be. She’s deeply affected by this for sure. Does she mean that much to Lammy to this degree that she spirals out of control when their relationship is threatened? No, this has to run deeper.

“Lammy, I know I’ve been… not one to ask about this kinda stuff, but I need to know. Does this… whole thing come from anywhere?”

Lammy grips tighter, but not tightly, onto Katy’s hand. “W-what do you mean… exactly?”

“You know, this… thing. Why your apartment is a mess, why you sleep until 8pm somedays, why you’re so… nervous a lot of the time, and why you get really depressed sometimes. I feel like it’s all connected in some way.”

Lammy leaves her free arm to have her clenched fist to her chest. “It is... I-it is connected, yeah…”

“What’s the reason for all this? I’m worried since you said you felt this way since you were a kid…”

Lammy is silent. Even her breathing seemingly comes to a full stop from Katy’s perspective.

“Lammy… please, I need to know.”

“No! You don’t! Please!” Lammy proclaims loudly. 

“Come on!” shouts the cat. The sudden escalation enrages Katy. Her hand balls into a fist behind her back. How could she do this now? She thought Lammy was making progress but she’s right back into being like she was before! Katy was barely able to contain herself. She wanted to yell right back, eye for an eye. She can’t. Not now. She withdraws, air escaping from her nose with her eyes closed.

Lammy quivers. Everything feels awful. How could she do this now? Her heart skips several beats as her hands lose control of themselves from the shaking. Her face is as pale as a blank canvas. “Everything is ruined,” she repeats in her mind as she grabs hold of her head, grasping for any sense of mental grounding. She can barely look at Katy, the rare glimpse reveals her inner frustration. It’s too much for Lammy and she starts tearing up on the spot.

Taking another, drawn-out deep breath, Katy relaxes the muscles she just now noticed were tensed up. She feels exhausted all of a sudden, having to hold all of her anger inside. She looks at Lammy. Poor dear, was this really that hard on her? If so, it would explain a lot why she’s like this. Katy has to know the further details.behind this, she just has to. Otherwise she’ll never truly understand this woman. She uncurls her hand while revealing it from behind herself. Slowly she brings to it Lammy’s shoulder, rubbing it ever so slightly.

Lammy looks up to investigate the new sensation on her shoulder. She looks at Katy with teary eyes. It’s hard to tell how Katy feels from her face alone. Lammy places her own hand on Katy’s. “Katy’s… trying,” Lammy tells herself. She knows Katy enough to realize this is all new to her. She can’t be that upset with this display of affection. “Sorry,” slips past Lammy’s lips as she runs a finger by her eye to wipe a tear.

“Lammy, it’s… ok. I don’t want to force you, I just… wanted to know what this is all about.”

“I-I… understand,” replies Lammy. “I’ll... “ she starts, but is interrupted with a sniffle, “I’ll tell you.” It’s come to this. Lammy knew it had to be someday she’d have to tell Katy everything, even if she hoped otherwise. She’s been dreading it, but now, it’s time.

“Katy… I didn’t grow up right. N-not like other kids. Everyone else has… nice parents. I didn’t.”

“Your parents are the reason you’re like this?”

“Y-yeah… they are,” she paused before continuing with malice, “I fucking hate them.”

“Lammy… I never knew....”

“...It’s ok. No one ever does. I don’t… tell anyone about this. I don’t like thinking about them.” She pauses before continuing, trying to gather her thoughts. “They were… They -- they never hit me or anything like that. I-it was mostly things they would say. I was always expected to be p-perfect, in every way. Get good grades in school, b-be nice and polite, always come home on time, get married, and have kids with the perfect... husband. The perfect life for any young g-girl. I couldn’t make any mistakes. They’d... yell at me for slipping up, even over small stuff.”

“I didn’t have many friends. The ones I did have, well... I was never really allowed to hang out with them. My parents… I don't know. I guess they didn't trust them. Or me,” she paused to let out a dry laugh, “I remember when I was in highschool I cut all my hair off, and when I came home my parents were... furious. I remember that moment a lot, because that’s when my dad called me a ‘stupid dyke.’ That always stuck with me. It always plays in my head. Apparently, according to him, because I didn’t have long pretty hair, I’d never get married and I’d be a failure. I felt so ugly after he told me that. I always was a failure with everything I did. Nothing ever could make them happy for me. I just… I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d go in my room and just…. sleep, if I wasn’t studying or something. I was so scared of messing up. I felt like… if I wasn’t perfect to them then they wouldn't ever love me anymore.”

Katy didn’t know what to say. She had no idea how to comfort Lammy. It’s not like she could give any condolences; she’d never been in any similar situations and any remarks would be shallow. 

“They didn’t approve of me playing guitar either. Well, not the way I like to, anyway. Rock music isn’t dignified to them, and they thought it would turn me into a criminal I suppose. But that was one of my only escapes. They wouldn’t let me dress how I wanted or do anything I like,” she sighed.

“And… one day -- I remember -- when I got sent home from school. They… I…” Lammy sighed then wiped her face with her hand, trying not to tear up from the memories. “My school, it wasn’t really the most strict of places, but they had rules on... PDA, and I… I got caught by a teacher… k-kissing another girl… When I walked through the door, I never saw so much  _ hatred  _ in someone’s eyes. These were the people that were supposed to be there for me no matter what! And I-I didn’t do anything wrong that day… I mean, I don’t think I did…”

Katy sat still, shocked over what she heard come out of her girlfriend’s mouth. She never knew Lammy was this hurt by people so close to her. Noticing the gleam in her lover’s eye as she teared up, Katy reached over to wipe it away gently with her own thumb with her palm placed gingerly on Lammy’s cheek. With a gleam of her own, Katy looks right into Lammy’s sparkling, yet bloodshot eyes. “You did nothing wrong, Lammy. Nothing at all. None of this is your fault…” Katy proclaims before wrapping her arms around Lammy. 

Lammy hugs Katy back in response. Her face is burrowed deep into Katy’s shirt, revealed by the open zipper on her jacket. No holding back now. She weeps on her girlfriend’s chest, dampening the fabric with her tears. She missed the warmth Katy brought in her life. For the first time in what felt like forever, it felt good to cry this once.

Katy is defiant and holds back strong, but eventually succumbs to her own despair as well. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, dear.” she says erratically. Her dulcet tone stays but her crying commands that she speak with a rasp. “You’re safe with me…. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. I’m never going to hurt you again. I’m so sorry…”

Lammy doesn’t speak up. She can’t speak up. She’s reduced to simply bawling, thankful for Katy’s support. She hugs tightly, never wanting to let her go again. She wants to get better, for her own sake. She wants to feel better about herself. She wants to forget all about her parents, move on, and live a life of her own with Katy by her side. 

The two stay intertwined for what felt like ages. Long gone by this point is the crying. The only noise emitted from the two is soft breathing and the occasional ruffle of clothing. Katy’s jacket has been put aside. It was warm enough in Lammy’s place anyways, let alone with her girlfriend’s body heat compounding onto it.

“Hey, Lammy. How are you feeling now?”

Lammy doesn’t respond for a tic. She was just drifting off to sleep when Katy pulled her back into consciousness. “Hmm..?” she questions groggily. “O-...oh. Better.”

“That’s nice to hear!”

“Heh… thank you,” she says, with the “you” elongated awkwardly and a beat between “thank” and “you”.

“All this must’ve tired you out,” Katy says. She looks outside. Dusk has taken over Parappa Town. Swirls of orange and purple litter the sky as the sun passes over the horizon. The clouds highlighted to resemble cotton candy. “I guess it’s getting late anyways. Think I’ll spend the night here.”

“Yeah…” Lammy replies. “It… Well, this is nice.”

“It’s nice to be together again for once. I… missed you Lammy. I was scared that…”

“Hm?” Lammy says, perking up. She looks up into Katy’s eyes as if she was a pet.

“...Scared that it was over for us.” Katy huffed.

Lammy faces downward before responding. “Yeah… same here.”

“I’m glad to have you back. You mean… a lot to me.”

Lammy nuzzles into her lover’s chest, a smile is displayed bright on her face, “I love you, Katy.”

“I love you too.”

The two pause yet again. Neither of them want this moment to pass, but Katy takes the lessons she’s learned to heart. “Lammy, is there… anything else you wanted to bring up about… them?”

Lammy takes a moment to consider, eyes darting to the side as she mulls over in head what else should be said. “Not much. I just fucking hate them.”

“Yeah, I feel the same way about them.”

“Really?”

“Of course! They treated you so badly. I’m just… shocked that they could do such a thing to you.”

“Yeah, it… really messed me up huh?”

“They did.” Katy lets out an exasperated sigh. A quick vent of her frustration. “I’m gonna be with you and help you get past all this no matter what.”

“Katy…”

“You didn’t deserve any of it. No one does. Besides, you helped me.”

“W-wait, I did?” Lammy asked incredulously.

“Yeah, Lammy, I could never talk like this before getting to know you. You really helped to show me just how much… understanding can help. I sucked in my pride and… let myself talk to you gently. I look up to you a lot, you know. You’re the most sensitive person I know!”

Lammy lets out a laugh. The hardest she’s had this month. The smile on her face shines bright. “Thank you!”. She holds back on commenting how much Katy still needs to learn. She’ll bring it up when necessary. She’ll start taking examples from her more often when dealing with issues.

“You know....” Katy starts. “I kinda want to meet your parents.”

“W-why!?”

A smirk is proudly displayed on Katy’s face. “To see their reaction to me sucking on your tongue in front of them.”

“Katy!” Lammy shouts out before hiding her face from her. “Oh my gooood” can be heard from her, muffled behind the hands she’s placed over herself.

“And guess what?”

Lammy lifts a hand slightly to glance at Katy “W-what?”

She leans forward into Lammy. Katy replaces Lammy’s hands on her head with her own, but placed on her cheeks. She plants a kiss onto her, feeling her lips grace upon Lammy’s. She holds it like that for just a moment longer than Lammy’d expect before ending the smooch. “Since I brought up kissing, I didn’t want to leave you hanging.”

Lammy is left blushing bright red from the surprising kiss. Her coy glare is away from Katy, looking back every now and then into the cat’s face. She’s overtaken by Katy’s display of confidence. Occasionally her gaze dips down to seeing her own thumbs twiddle. “S-so you’re spending the night h-here?”

“If that’s ok with you, then yeah.”

“Of course it is.” Lammy says before springing up and kissing Katy right back on the lips. Katy, shocked at first, quickly adjusts to the sudden motion. 

The two continue to kiss well into the night. Both of them as happy as they could be, containing a new understanding and respect for each other. The moon rising does little to persuade them to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they made up! hows that for you guys! i hope the important scenes were done well enough. after this chapter there will be an epilogue. thank you guys for coming along for the ride!


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tooth-rotting fluff to wrap things up.

It was cold.

Today had that familiar crisp of autumn. The cool air along with the crunch of the leaves complemented the date. Lammy and Katy’s date, to be exact. Katy donned her leather jacket. Dark, but not pitch black. No studs to be found. It was rather plain looking, unusual for this particular cat, but today demanded warmth and coziness over vibrant personal expression. Lammy’s outfit was even more plain. A simple greyish hoodie, ragged in a select few areas with the uncommon, faint stain dotted about. The simplicity and ease of use came with the cost of warmth as she found herself clinging onto Katy for her body heat. 

The two reunited lovers’ walk would come to a pause as they happened upon a park bench. Lammy appreciated the break as her legs were easy to give out due to her recent inactivity. Sitting down still presented the two the opportunity to gaze about. It was quiet. Most of what happened around them were leaves gliding downwards and flocks of birds flying due south. Branches rustled as the wind blew. Lammy’s concentration was broken when she found that Katy huddled up rather tight to herself. Her smile was subdued but still beaming. It was enough to make Lammy forget about the wind chill blowing through her thin clothes.

“Someone’s happy,” said Lammy with a smile of her own, although one more subtle than Katy’s.

“Of course I am!” exclaimed Katy. “I missed going out on these walks with you.”

“Same,” Lammy replied. Today was the first day she’s left her apartment in a week. The chill from outside was unwelcoming but Lammy forgoed it for Katy. “Oh yeah, uh… thanks for helping me with my place earlier, by the way. It looks a lot better now.”

“No problem. I don’t like the idea of you living like that.”

“I don’t blame you. Feeling kinda stupid I let myself go that much.”

“Lammy, it’s fine. Just… keep on top of that, ok?”

“Alright,” Lammy said with a faint snort at the start. “S-sure thing.”

Quiet crept in again, until the birds started cawing. The creek near them babbled softly too as the water ran down the stones, pouring along. Lammy felt perfectly at ease. The silence between the two, for once, was welcome. As the cool air filled her lungs, Lammy felt her negativity breath out along with the hot air from inside. Being outside with Katy like this lifted her soul. Despite it being recently cleaned top to bottom, Lammy didn’t want this date to end. However, nature didn’t agree on that front, as the sun closed down on the couple yet again. Katy’s purring was interrupted by vibrations. Lammy was shivering. She didn’t even have any gloves on as one hand was kept in her pocket, while the other laid on the frigid leather on Katy.

“Lammy?” Katy asked, with a bit of a nudge as well.

“Y-y-yeah?”

“You’re freezing! I’ll walk you home, hun.”

“No! I’m… f-f-f-fine!”

“Lammy…”

“Alright, I j-j-just d-d-didn’t want this d-date to end…”

“I don’t either. This was fun, and it’s nice seeing you with cheeks this red, but you’re shivering. Oh hey, it’s also getting kinda late too.”

“Y-y-you’re right.”

“Hey, we can hang out tomorrow at practice!”

“O-o-ok!”

Katy stood up, with Lammy following her lead. The two walked down the path leading out of the park. Katy held onto Lammy’s hand. She couldn’t imagine how cold she must be right now. Lammy huddled up to Katy for warmth, with Katy providing support for Lammy’s balance.

“H-hey,” Lammy spoke up.

“Hm?” 

“I l-l-love y-you.”

“I love you too,” Katy said. She paused her steps to give Lammy a smooch. Her face felt frozen but it still felt hot to kiss her. Her hood (complete with cut out holes for her stubs) covered her hair as her ears ran down the side of her head to fit within. Katy saw a new side of Lammy like this. She felt invigorated seeing how cute she was, suddenly crouching down and motioning Lammy to come over.    
  
“Get on, I’ll give you a piggy-back ride home.”   
  
Blushing, Lammy wrapped her arms around Katy as she placed herself on her girlfriend’s back. Katy grabbed her legs, holding them securely. Katy couldn’t see it, but Lammy found herself softly smiling. Katy was so warm! And yeah, Lammy was pretty cold. She took the opportunity to rest her head against Katy, snuggling in close as they set to home for the evening.

Katy had to resist the urge to start purring at Lammy’s behavior. She was just being so cute! Her ear suddenly twitched as she felt small puffs of warm air blown on it. Lammy must have dozed off. They had been walking for a while at this point and spent all day at the park. Lammy had to be completely exhausted. A small snore could be heard at that point, and Katy had to resist the urge to giggle.

Finally, they had reached Lammy’s apartment. The moon was high in the sky at this point, casting a gentle glow on the couple. Katy gazed up at it, seeming to be lost in thought, before huffing under Lammy’s weight (she was heavy!) and climbing the stairs. Good thing Lammy only lived on the third floor.

Katy had to set Lammy down when they finally reached Lammy’s apartment so she could fumble in her pocket for the spare key Lammy gave her after they’d made up. She had a brief flashback as she looked at the key lovingly, reminiscing of only a few days ago when Lammy gave her the key. She was touched that Lammy trusted her enough to have her come over whenever she wanted without so much of a warning.

Lammy let out a yawn and rubbed her eyes, looking around groggily. “Huh…?”   
  
“We’re home, babe,” Katy said as she finished fumbling with the keys, opening the door.

Lammy wordlessly plodded through the doorway, headed straight for her bed without so much as taking off her shoes or changing into PJ’s.   
  
Katy laughed, following her, “At least take off your shoes, silly.” Her request would fall upon deaf ears as Lammy seemed to be already out cold for the night. Katy sighed in mock-annoyance as she took off Lammy’s shoes for her. “Seriously… what am I gonna do with you?” Katy set her shoes to the side and walked up to Lammy who she thought to be asleep, leaning down to kiss her goodnight.

As she pulled away, she felt a sudden clasp on her arm. She looked in surprise to see Lammy grabbing her and pulling her down with a soft “oomph.” Katy thanked the heavens that Lammy seemed to still be asleep, as her face was beet red.    
  
“Hehe… your face is all red.” Lammy suddenly said. Katy blushed even harder and cursed the heavens she just thanked.   
  
“S-shush…” Katy started on, but was interrupted when Lammy suddenly held her close and kissed her lightly.    
  
“Stay with me… please?” Lammy asked.   
  
Katy couldnt resist her lover’s gaze. “Alright,” she simply replied as she ruffled Lammy’s hair and kissed her nose.   
  


Lammy smiled.   
  
“I love you.”   
  
“I love you, too, hun.”   
  
END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... thats it! thank all of you for reading this :) we decided to end with some fluff to tie things together nicely...  
>  again id like to think all of our readers for coming along with us, it really means a lot!!  
> we do have another story in mind so feel free to stay tuned for that. 
> 
> also i SWEAR i do still want to finish my other fic LOL i dont plan on abandoning i can hardly make you mine
> 
> until next time sledge signing out

**Author's Note:**

> here is a new fic that was written by my friend ClamSquid and I! they came up with the main plot and i mostly helped flesh out ideas... anyway... it seems like lammy and katy arent off to a great start this chapter... wonder whats in store next! stay tuned!
> 
> also i havent abandoned my other fic (i can hardly make you mine) if anyone was wondering about that, ive just been a bit busy with irl stuff;;


End file.
